Greetings, alumnos. I am so pleased to be able to speak to you. I am here to help you through any and all exam problemas you may encounter. However, before I hear about you, let me tell about me.
I grew up a poor farm boy in the city of Guadalajara. We grew a variety of foods, but the seasons were not always good to us. Mis padres would spend the days sowing much but reaping little. However, they always knew that, if we saved enough dinero, I would eventually attend college and become a great success.
But first, I had to face down my college entrance exams.
When I faced my first exam, I was a small, teenage muchacho. He was not much bigger than I, a mere paper booklet susceptible to the average marks of a number two pencil. I had prepared night and day for the exam, and that Saturday morning, there was nothing that could stop me. I was halfway through section five (a math section) when it happened: Somehow, the test and I were struck by a ferocious lightning bolt.
When I awoke, the exam was gone.
Although my enemy had escaped, I realized I could now destroy any exam that stood in my path. With super-speed, no exam stood a chance at preventing me from reaching the normally elusive prospect of college. Of course, this new power had drawbacks. Perhaps the most significant was its propensity to make me rush through my work, making somewhat careless mistakes in my future battles against my adversaries. I have always had time to correct these mistakes, but during my backtracking, my enemy escapes.
Over the weeks following that first encounter with the exam, the news began to cover the story of a multiplying standardized menace spreading throughout the world, blocking college entrance at every turn.
Since the fateful day when I received my powers, I have been chasing the ten section beast, battling it in every high school in the world. I once climbed a mountain in Siberia with only two #2 pencils as ice picks, took the test in a small cave somewhere deep in the heart of the rock, and finished the doggone thing in twenty-five minutes. Didn’t even need a banobreak. I once scored a 3000 on the SAT. I would have gotten higher but it was out of only 1600 back then.
Critical reading passages tremble when I walk by. Sections rip themselves out of the book and light themselves on fire to avoid the touch of my well-sharpened lapiz numero dos. Problemos matematicas? Forget it.Math problems beg not to be crushed below the heavy entry of merciless formulas entered into my calculator at a maddening pace. Essay assignments bow at my feet.
I can bubble in answers with my mind. I know every vocabulary word in the world (I feel antipathy toward the anathematic monster know as the test, and am acerbic in expressing my acrimony toward it). I was ordained a knight by the Queen of Mexico for helping her toddler beat the SAT.
My students are the best. Over the years, I have had under my tutelage prospective doctors, lawyers, bankers, engineers, politicians, diplomats, forensic specialists, jugglers, clowns, athletes, morticians, mathematicians and even one canine (he got into Cornell, his safety school).
In my experiences with the test, I have no regrets, for I have no failures. I follow the rules of the test in order to destroy it, and I follow no other rules. I am free. I am fearless. I am fiery. I am fuerte. I am…
And as El Maestro, I will train you to be like me. After years of fighting Los Examines de Muerte in every environment from the dry deserts of Africa to the frigid antarctic waters, it is now time to communicate with the masses so we can once and for all obliterate the most significant barrier between you and four amazing years in college. On College Compass, I will share my exclusive strategies for stopping the exam in its tracks. Tip by tip, session by session, you will learn new, enlightening ways to harness your inner dureza and perform like the alumno intelligente you always knew yourself to be.
When I first started hunting my escaped test, I often thought I had caught him, only to find that he had cloned himself, tormenting the masses. I kept fighting and vanquishing these inferior tests, but my nemesis still reigned supreme. As powerful as I had become, I realized… I could not do this alone. I need your help to beat these tests, just like you need mine. Together, we will be victorious.
You may not look like me, you may not bubble like me, and you certainly will never dance like me… but you can beat the test like me – nay, you WILL beat the test like me.